Dialogue with a modernist Pakistani comedian Shehzad Ghias Sheikh

Shehzad Ghias Shaikh

The world has not been kind to men recently. After centuries of oppressing women and exchanging them as property, men cannot simply be asked to suddenly start treating them as people. I would claim that it goes against millions of years of evolution but any talk of evolution is haram so that point is moot.
In this era of political correctness and Caitlyn Jenner, the last safe haven for men was Saudi Arabia – a utopian world where men could roam free without the distraction of women driving, women cycling and women breathing. If you claim you have seen a woman breathe in Saudi Arabia, I will be convinced you’re a liar – sir, it’s impossible to even spot a nose under that veil.
Also, do not try to confuse everyone with your science. The entire premise of the argument that “all humans need to breathe” is questionable – there is no scientific proof that women are human. Wouldn’t they be called ‘huwoman’ if it were true?
They say a woman should be seen and not heard. It is only in the dreamland of Saudi Arabia where I say women should not be seen or heard. I would have added that they should not be smelt either but it’s close to impossible to not smell itar for anyone within a 565 mile radius.
Unfortunately, the feminazis have invaded Saudi Arabia as well. Following the philosophy of Hitler, a man who had less facial hair than a Sindhi woman, women have started instating draconian laws for men. A Saudi man, the best kind of man out there, was fined SR160,000 dowry to his four wives after he divorced them. The man only did this because he wanted to marry four new wives; a move that is often referred to as being a man, a blanket clause that lets years of patriarchy flourish and perpetuate because… you know, boys will be boys.
In a grave injustice, the man was also forced to remarry his previous wives. If you support this move by the government, let me ask you, how would you feel if a mobile chor (thief) stole your phone and then later in the day came to your house and returned you your same old phone? You could have blackmailed your father into getting you the new Iphone but now you are stuck with the Iphone 5, the volume buttons of which don’t work just because a chor could not do his job properly. It is scientifically proven that nobody with an Iphone5 has any friends anymore so basically your life has been wrecked like that of a Saudi man.
If I have used my four cars for a while, I should be able to sell them and buy four new cars. The government has no right to make me drive my old cars again. I know we are talking about wives and not cars but you are forgetting that it is Saudi Arabia; cars have much more freedom in the public space than women.
If God did not want me to treat women poorly, why would He make me a man? He could have made me a Koala – then I would not have cared about women at all because Koalas are awesome. They eat and they sleep. Basically they are like men without the crippling insecurities that come with society indoctrinating in them to conform to the social norms of their gender, forcing them to tie womanhood to false notions of honour, pride and family. Basically, being a Koala is awesome.
All I am saying is that marriage is a contract. And like all contracts, there should be an exit clause. If a plane is falling, you should be able to eject. If the Titanic is sinking, you should be able to get on a life boat. Unless, of course, you are Jack and Rose does not let you on even though there was clearly space for two. You took his life and then you took his Oscar, Kate Winslet.
Marriage is like the Titanic. It is not unsinkable. And when the iceberg hits, all men will try to get the women and children out first.
A person should not be caged into a marriage if that person does not want to continue to be in one. Unless, of course, you are a woman; no woman should be allowed to leave a loveless marriage. All men would just end up being divorced then. For the institution of marriage to exist, we need women to suffer. Sorry girls, in a battle against a socially constructed idea, the idea will always wins, even if all of us need to die for it.
By all of us, I mean just women.
There are not enough life boats for all of us.
Ishmael Abraham Assalamu alaykum Shehzad bhai. I am a NUST graduate. I just learned about you being a comedian who has studied in US through Fulbright. My father also studied in US through a USAID scholarship. You have touched on several issues in your post. For example, you discussed evolution . Orthodox scholars like Dr. Adnan Ibrahim and Dr. Amr Sherif have started to defend a theistic version of evolution. You should study about Dr. Francis Collins who defends theistic evolution. Quran calls Adam peace be upon him a khalifah/successor so he might be in a chain of biological succession. There are other sacred texts which state that there were thousand other Adams so we do not need to defend the biblical story of incest. John William Draper calls evolution a Muhammadan theory because Darwin was influenced by Muslim philosophers. Like Muslims, Darwin married his cousin.
Ishmael Abraham We should fight the sectarian traditional ignorance of Saudi Arabia and Iran as well as modern ignorance of gay rights and porn, together. I think Islamic ideals are feminist but selfish/narcissistic and men-hating/misandrist feminism should be discouraged in our societies because we do not want to become countries of highest divorce rates like US.
Ishmael Abraham Islam does not fear truthfully outspoken women. Umar ibn Al Khattab (radhiAllaahu ‘anhu) with his Wife» “It is reported that a man came to ‘Umar ibn Al-Khattab (radia Allahu anhu) to complain about his wife’s ill-temper. While he was waiting for ‘Umar to come out of his house, he heard ‘Umar’s wife scolding him and ‘Umar quietly listening to her, and not answering her back. The man turned around and started walking away, muttering to himself: “If that is the case with ‘Umar, the leader of the believers, who is famous for his uprightness and toughness, then what about poor me?!” At that moment, ‘Umar came out of his house and saw the man walking away. He called him and said, “What is it you want of me, O man?” The man replied: “O leader of the believers, I came to complain to you about my wife’s bad-temper and how she nags me. Then I heard your wife doing the same to you, so I turned around, muttering to myself, ‘If that is the situation of the leader of the believers,then what about me?’” ‘Umar replied, “O my brother, I bear with her because of her rights over me. She cooks my food, bakes my bread, washes my clothes, breast-feeds my child… and yet none of these are her duty; and then she is a comfort to my heart and keeps me away from forbidden deeds. Consequently, I bear with her.” The man said,“It is the same with me, O leader of the believers.”‘ Umar said: Then, O my brother, be patient with her, indeed this life is short. [Adh-Dhahabi, Al-Kaba’ir194]
Ishmael Abraham I really love your middle name Ghias because it denotes unexpected divine help like rain in drought which our spiritual community desperately needs.



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